I hear it on the grapevine that I caused you upset,
That I owe you an apology and that your heart holds regret.
At first I could not understand how this could ever be;
It was then I realised it was all on me.
First, allow for me to explain these seemingly bizarre apologies,
Please hear me out and then you can discuss it with your referees.
I am sorry to learn you did not know how to respect me when I put all my energy in.
This left me empty and gifted you a false sense of sovereign.
I am sorry to feel that I was not worth your time.
This left me disheartened, as I watched my kindness turn to crime.
I am sorry that what keeps you protected also prevents you from being free.
This leaves me disillusioned to your false warranties.
I am sorry to know that your love is based upon worth and ability to serve your needs.
This leaves me cynical when carrying out kind-hearted deeds.
Above it all, I am sorry that it took me so long to see;
What I was giving so graciously to you, I was so ruthlessly taking from me.
So before I turn my back and sign off,
Take a moment to humour me – and, please excuse me if I scoff.
Come, tell me all the ways in which I caused you pain.
Remind me of what exactly caused my distain.
This is not how I wanted this to end,
I’d even hoped that we would still be friends.
Oh, one last apology – and this ones not for you.
I am sorry that I wasn’t wise enough to see though you and avoid your broken view.
As we grow in wisdom we come to learn that our choices reflect our world views.
Indeed a person will show you who they are within the first 10 minutes of meeting them and we as individuals respond based on our current view of the world and ourselves.
Take a minute to reflect on that.
We are the ones that choose to engage. When I was young my sister would occasionally pick on me for various things. This one particular day, I, as any 4 year old would do… I ran to Mum. This is what the young mind does, runs to another for a problem fix.
Mum in her solid wisdom would say “just ignore her and she will leave you alone”. Solid wisdom right? in theory, YES! given the situation, absolutely not! As a 4 year old I had zero ability to ignore the situation.
Feeling helpless, I would bite back and then the entire household would seemingly fall into chaos. I was angry, Mum was frustrated that I couldn’t ignore the torment and my sister would be fairly entertained one would assume.
For me, this is the perfect situation to dissect:
I was reactive – I wanted change from my situation and made motions to make it happen. Based on my conscious ability at that time caused more havoc.
My sister was childish – She was bored, she too wanted change but her actions showed that she was indeed antagonistic. Something that takes great energy to overcome.
Mum was passive – She wanted peace and as an adult could see the pathway to such an outcome. In this moment Mum chose to demonstrate ignorance and o’boy did it backfire.
Each situation respond with where our consciousness and ability lies at the time. The real gift comes when we are able to respond to others based one where they are at.
As you become more aware you will be able to see things in others and their actions such as:
– Judging critically
– Belittling people
– Putting others down
– Extreme reservation
– Inability to stand for what’s important
– Using walls to defend and block
The list goes on.
Remember it is not for us to make judgements. When we are the best version of ourselves we merely notice in order to create our response.
By the same sword be aware that anyone can be anything for short bursts. It is upto us to take into account all data in which we have access. Side note: No data is also data!
Now please, don’t sleep with your eyes open for someone else’s demented truth, but take with you the knowledge that you are the one who must choose to engage; for better or worse.
Jollyoddbods, my hope for you is that the experiences you engage in grow you and should any traumas you have be healed to allow you the clarity to see things as they are. Without cynicism, naivety or insensitivity.
Being accountable to yourself doesn’t mean that you have to condemn yourself nor the decisions you make. You made that decision, own it. Now what did you learn?