In the moment that we break, we experience true reality. There is nothing that can take away the rawness of our hurt, our grief, or our anger. We feel fear as though it is all we have.
This cancer experience for me, changed my life as I knew it. I’ve been lead by a strong desire to use this experience for the benefit of others, and blindedly allowed myself to only see the benefits in the situation I face.
This week has been difficult. Chemotherapy has zapped my energy, and I feel completely deflated; I have no energy left to put heart into the well-meaning questions that grace me.
A triathlon event at the beach in which we were camping placed me into an unexpected layer of reality. As I sat on the balcony of the cabin I watched the athletes assume their power; enabling their mind and their body to align with strength, determination and trust. The energy these men and women exuded in every move was pure magic, and I was in pure awe.
Shame began to creep into my heart and for the first time since the diagnosis I felt disempowered, sick and unable.
I allowed myself to feel the embarrassment of my physical incapability and it stung.
Within myself I noticed an avoidance of leaving the cabin, my safety, a place where no-one could view me as faulty.
Guilt came to visit and I found a saddened solace somewhere between guilt and shame.
Having just gone through my second round of chemotherapy, I understand the need to be kind to myself. However, in this moment I needed to be bitter and angry.
Once back home I realised, that I’ve not been fully honest with myself. This entire Cancer experience I have chosen not to check in with myself; allow myself time to understand and know where I am at. I’ve been speaking to a story using expired vocabulary.
Exhaustion continues to be the voice of the exhausted, just as,
answers subtract in meaning when questions multiply. I fear by allowing myself to try and keep up, I have lost authenticity and temporarily a piece of myself.
What calls within me is a knowing, I am well enough and looked after. Is it necessary to elaborate on such a truth?
Instead of choosing to look for the light aspects and sheen over the dark, I choose to honour every moment – as it is.
Delving into the sometimes harsh and cold depths of our reality brings us to the ecstasy in which we seek.
This week and onwards, I choose to honour my energy and make sacrifices based on my wellness; not my ability. I choose to be what I need me to be. Afterall, does the world need anymore than that?
Beautiful souls, thank you for being by my side during this experience. I am blessed to have such warmth, kindness and Love in my life.
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Be well and allow yourself to be whatever you need to be. Much Love and light to you.
2 thoughts on “6. Explore the depths”
Thank you so much for sharing this part of your vulnerability on your journey and being honest about the need to ‘be’ where you are and also the incredibly importance of checking in with yourself, allowing those feelings to surface and to be ok with that. And it is absolutely OK!!! To be OK with whatever you are processing and feeling at this time. In a journey I am going through currently with regard to past emotional trauma which was severe and of very long duration, I found myself feeling very angry. So very angry. This was new, unexpected and came from out of nowhere. I did not realise that in order to protect myself, I had suppressed that anger and the hurt and the feelings of injustice about what had happened to me. Almost immediately I was flooded with opposing feelings of shame that I could feel anger towards a situation and others. I felt a sense wrong – I have always been a positive person who always saw that everything happened at exactly the right time and place and the universe would support me.My whole persona was that of someone who is positive, and could garner strength to get through anything that life served to me. This caused an internal battle within me. I have always been such a glass half full person. So why now, was I total overwhelmed with feelings of anger, hurt, and the injustice of what had happened to me? So this battle went on inside me. Hormone imbalance also contributed to my internal struggle.
Only last week I surrended to it and it was something I read that changed my perspective. And I suddenly came to the realisation that this was not something to be internally critical of. It was something that HAD to happen. In fact it was imperative that it did. In the book I was reading, I came upon a passage that said that it was ok to feel anger and hurt and a sense of injustice. In fact this was a VITAL part of the healing passage that I must travel through. It was by suppressing these emotions early in my life that led to a kind a facade within me. I thought I was ok. People saw me as ok and strong. But all I had done was pushed these emotions down and hidden them so deep within me that even I did not know they were there until they surfaced without warning. Now I do not feel shame at the anger and bitterness that arose in me. I honoured it. I honoured myself for doing the best I could at that time to protect myself. But now I see, that these needed to be processed in a way that served me.
Please do not feel any failing on your part for experiencing emotions at this time. I share this truth from my own journey with you and thank you for your sharing yours and I so hope that this may bring you a sense of acceptance and an allowing of yourself to feel everything – because that is the path of healing. It does not detract from your beautiful nature or strength in ANY way!!!! The shame and vulnerability, the anger, bitterness will not stay forever. It is a temporary thing to be honoured, noticed and processed. By honouring it, you love yourself. You can be kind to yourself. There is no blame or letting down of anyone, yourself or those you love. Everything changes and is in a state of flux. Sometimes we have to feel the things we don’t want to, and they are scary – but they ultimately lead to a place of complete wellness for our spirit. This is what I am discovering.
You are a shining light. Nothing detracts from that. Honour yourself and take ALL the time you need to process whatever it is that arises. Doing this does not make you “less than”. The foundation of who you are will always re-emerge and remain intact.
I am in no way qualified to give advice. I just share this with you in the hope that there may be something in it that you may relate to and find helpful. Never forget you are surrounded by skilled people who love you and can help you whenever you may need it. I have been thinking about you so much this in these last few weeks. I’m here if there is anything I can do for you!
with love always
Beautiful Susan, your words come from a space of Truth and wisdom. I find your ability too see, reach within and find the words of within this space incredibly inspirational.
Thank you for showing up as you are and for bringing light to the world; through acts of kindness, messages of forgiveness and light, voicing difficult truths, you are limitless in what you bring forward.
I’ll read and respond to your email today my friend. I would love nothing more than to pay you a visit and connect with you. Until then my friend, Love and light to you.